Making Sense of Madness
by cheeky-squirrel
Summary: Harry tries to deal with the emotional scars inflicted on him during the war. Songfic. Based on songs from the album 'MAKINGSENSEOFMADNESS' by Zinc. Rated M to be safe.
1. The Morning After

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, or had any affiliation with Zinc, I would own my house and have my bathroom renovated, and Mark O'Shea and I would be having an affair. As it is, I do not own Harry Potter or have any affiliation with Zinc, I rent a house with a tiny bathroom with a Roman-style bath that is not nearly deep enough or comfortable enough, and I must lust after Mark O'Shea from afar. Life just isn't fair.**

**The Morning After**

_Well there's this, feeling I get_

_When I'm not, feeling my best_

_And there's nothing that can make it go away_

He was having one of his bad days. They tended to come and go. Sometimes they'd just be 'in-between' days, those he could handle. The bad days, he just couldn't.

_As I can't do just a little,_

_I get stuck in the middle_

_Of my own private 'Groundhog Day'_

It had happened before, and it would happen again. Harry had no doubt about that. He slid onto a stool at the bar.

"Evening, Mr. Potter," said Tom, the barkeeper. "The usual?"  
"Thanks, Tom," Harry responded with a sigh. He put his head in his hands. After a moment, a Firewhiskey was placed in front of him. He lifted the drink to his lips and downed it in one gulp, signalling to Tom for another.

_And even though I know that I'm gonna_

_Regret it all tomorrow_

_I will let the sorrow fall where it may_

He thought about all the people that had died for him. Mad-Eye, Fred, Remus, Tonks… Dobby. The death of the elf really hurt. He was so innocent, so pure. Why did he have to die? The tears burned his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. Instead, he downed another drink. Then another. And a few more after that.

_At least until the_

_Morning after the_

_Night before_

_When I don't think that_

_I could hate myself_

_Anymore_

He hated the feeling he got in the morning after he was drinking, but he loved the feeling of being drunk. That feeling of being loose, almost like he wasn't in his own body.

_Such a simple thing_

_Yet I can't_

_Comprehend_

_Why I keep making the same mistakes_

_Over and over again_

Ginny was furious at him when he finally staggered home. She didn't yell, she couldn't. Their daughter would hear. Instead, she hissed at him.

"How could you? You were meant to be home hours ago!" she closed the door after him. "You were supposed to read Lily a story tonight! She waited up for you for hours!"

Harry fell into a shame spiral. He'd completely forgotten. He stumbled to his daughter's room and opened the door. The girl was asleep. He slowly made his way over to her and kissed her cheek. Ginny stood in the doorway, her arms crossed, glaring at him. When Harry turned to leave Lily's bedroom, Ginny turned and stalked to their bedroom, closing the door as quietly as she could while still conveying her anger. Harry tried to turn the doorknob, and found it locked. He was spending the night on the couch again.

_Well this cell that I've built_

_For myself and my guilt_

_Keeps me safe until I next escape_

After being forced to sleep on the couch, Harry was on his best behaviour. He apologised profusely to his little girl, and she hugged him.

"That's OK, daddy," she whispered to him. "I love you." Those three little words broke Harry's heart, and he held her as tight as he could.

"I love you too, princess," he whispered into her hair.

He spent the next two weeks concentrating on his family to keep his mind off the pain he felt from the war. He wrote letters to his son James at Hogwarts, and taught his other son Albus to play Quidditch. He watched his daughter dance around the house, and play with her cousin Hugo. For two weeks, he was fine.

_Well there's no use denying_

_I'm in need of supplying_

_I gotta get my hands on something_

_I can't take_

Then, he was back in The Leaky Cauldron, downing Firewhiskey like it was pumpkin juice.

"Just keep them coming," he snapped to Tom when he asked if Harry was OK. "Just keep them coming," he repeated in a mutter. Tonight he was thinking about poor Teddy Lupin, his godson. An orphan, like Harry. _Because _of Harry. And Fred. Oh, God, Fred. George just hadn't been the same since the loss of his twin. They had been two halves that made a whole.

_Coz even though I know that I'm gonna_

_Regret it all tomorrow_

_I will let the sorrow fall where it may_

Firewhiskey after Firewhiskey, he drank until closing. Tom helped him home. Ginny refused to let him in.

"Let him sleep on the grass tonight, Tom," she said, looking at her husband with disgust. Tom shrugged and deposited Harry on the grass, before leaving.

_At least until the_

_Morning after the_

_Night before_

_When I don't think that_

_I could hate myself_

_Anymore_

He felt great while he was sleeping. He still had that feeling of being loose. The nightmares wouldn't come while he was drunk, either. It was a bonus.

_Such a simple thing_

_Yet I can't_

_Comprehend_

_Why I keep making the same mistakes_

_Over and over again_

Harry woke up the next morning on the grass, covered in ants. He used magic to get rid of them, and then went to the front door. It was unlocked. His head pounding, he made his way to the bathroom to have a shower. He cringed as the water flowed, the sound made his head hurt.

_Now my sense of intent_

_Ends up turning to lament_

_Coz I don't know when it's time to stop_

"Never again," he thought to himself, and he knew it was a lie even then. The aftermath wasn't so good, but at least for a few hours, he wouldn't think about the lives that had been lost because of him. He didn't have to think about the families that had been torn apart.

_At least until the_

_Morning after the_

_Night before_

_When I don't think that_

_I could hate myself_

_Anymore_

They'd always come back to him when he sobered up, of course. They'd haunt him, both while he was awake and when he was asleep. Sometimes he could swear he'd see a smiling Fred walking towards him, but as soon as he blinked, he was gone. He could hear Mad-Eye shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!' at him. He could hear Sirius laugh.

_Such a simple thing_

_Yet I can't_

_Comprehend_

_Why I keep making the same mistakes_

Would it be the same way forever? He didn't know. Would he one day be able to feel better without drinking? He didn't know that either. He hated what he was doing to his family, to his friends, and to himself, but he hadn't found another way to deal with it. So, for now, he was just going to keep doing it. He'd keep making the same mistakes…

_Over and over again_

_At least until the_

_Morning after, the night before_

**A/N: This is my first fanfic in quite a while, so I hope you enjoy! Please review, give me some advice. Please, please, don't just flame, it's not helpful. If you don't like it, that's fine, but try to offer some constructive criticism.**

**Also, these songs are from the album 'MAKINGSENSEOFMADNESS' by Zinc, an Australian band that have broken up, which makes me sad. If you like the lyrics, then I really do recommend that you try to order the album, or buy the songs at a place like iTunes. Don't try to download them illegally, because A) it's illegal, and B) you'd be hard-pressed to find them anyway. So let me reiterate: DO NOT DOWNLOAD ILLEGALLY.**


	2. Inside

_Men at work are in_

_Navy suits_

_While their secretaries are wearing_

_Knee high boots_

He tried as hard as he could to avoid the people flowing out from buildings. He chuckled slightly as he dodged one particular young witch; she was dressed in muggle clothing and looked slightly ruffled. It seemed to be a conspiracy in the wizarding world; it was like everyone finished work at the same time.

_Couriers carry their own lives away_

_Their half-baked truths_

_On some empty silver tray_

"Excuse me," Harry said as he bumped into a short, balding wizard with a particularly foul look upon his face.

"Watch where you're going, why don't you?" the wizard growled, massaging his shoulder. He looked up and saw who he had growled at. His eyes widened, and with an "eep!" he rushed away. Harry rolled his eyes. Even after all this time, he still got that same reaction.

_The cleaner dreams of his own_

_Swimming pool_

_While he steals stationery_

_For his kids at school_

He continued to walk down the busy Diagon Alley. Another wizard bumped into him, a nondescript but grubby man.

"Sorry," he muttered, and continued walking. Harry grabbed the man by the collar and pulled him back, holding his hand out.

"Can I have my money pouch back, please?" he asked. The wizard looked at him, shocked.

"Give me my pouch back, and I won't turn you in," Harry said. With a sigh, the grubby wizard handed Harry the pouch he'd lifted from his pocket when they bumped into each other. Harry let go of the man, and he turned to leave.

"Hold on," Harry said. The wizard turned back around. "You don't have much, do you?" he asked sympathetically. The wizard shook his head, slightly embarrassed. "Have a family?" The wizard nodded, and so did Harry. He rummaged in his coin pouch and pulled out ten Galleons.

"That should keep you going for a little while, at least," he said softly, pressing the money into the grubby wizard's hands. The wizard looked at Harry, stunned, but grateful.

"Th-thank you, sir," he said, not believing what was happening. Harry clapped him on the shoulder, and continued on his way.

_I'm a knight in rusty armour_

_I'm a fool without disguise_

_I'm a kamikaze lover_

_Who hasn't learned yet_

_How to fly_

Harry had recognised the man. He didn't know him by name, but by face. He had lost his job during the war, and his youngest daughter had been killed. He just hoped that his kindness to the man would help get him back on the right track.

_Inside_

_I'm ten feet tall_

_Inside_

_Behind these walls_

_Inside_

_I keep it all_

_Inside_

He had managed to sort things out with Ginny, and he was now feeling better than he had in a long time. He was spending as much time as he could with the kids. They kept him going, the kids, and Ginny, of course. His beautiful wife. He didn't know what he'd do without her. Despite the fact that he adored her so, he couldn't resist sending a sexy smile to a young witch who'd stopped outside of the apothecary to watch him. She blushed slightly and smiled back. He winked at her, before continuing on his way. He hated to admit it, but he sometimes enjoyed the attention from the witches; it was a real boost for his ego.

_Into the streets now_

_The people spill_

_As traffic unlike time_

_Stands still_

_Crammed into cafés_

_They take their queue_

_For the gourmet beasts_

_Upon which they chew_

It was insanely busy at this time of the day. He pushed his way through the crowds who were now pouring into the shops and cafés, ready to relieve themselves from the hard day's work.

_And I keep my vow of silence_

_Amongst a sea of talking heads_

_And amidst all the compliance_

_The truth is left unsaid_

Harry tried to avoid the people that would stop and chat with him. They still wanted to thank him after all this time, but he didn't feel like talking, really. He didn't feel like telling them the truth- he shouldn't be thanked. Too many people had died because of him. The thought made him feel sad, but he pushed it away. He was feeling better; he wanted to stay that way.

_Inside_

_I'm ten feet tall_

_Inside_

_Behind these walls_

_Inside_

_I keep it all_

_Inside_

He stopped just outside of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. He peered into the shop, shielding his eyes from the reflected sun with his hands. He saw George chatting with someone. With his free hand, he rapped on the glass. George looked over, saw him, and grinned, beckoning him in.

"Harry," George said as Harry entered. He walked over to his brother-in-law and pulled him into a manly hug, clapping him on the back.

"How're you doing today, George?" Harry asked with a grin.

"I'm doing well," George replied, and Harry believed him. George was having one of his good days too. Harry looked over at the large portrait of Fred that hung behind the counter. The portrait waved, and Harry waved back.

"How's business?" he asked George, and the older man beamed.

"Business is great," he responded. "We're selling faster than we can stock!"

"I'm glad to hear it," Harry said with a smile. "Well, I just thought I'd stop in and say hello on my way past." They said goodbye to each other.

"See you at Mum and Dad's for dinner on Sunday night!" George called as Harry left, and Harry raised his hand in acknowledgment.

_And everybody's different_

_Yet everyone's the same_

_What some may call a stone_

_Is a rose by any other name_

He was glad that George was having a good day. The loss of his twin was unbelievably difficult. George had lost more than his ear in the war. While the loss of Fred wasn't as physical as his ear, it was more noticeable than it. He deserved good days more than anyone else Harry knew.

_Inside_

_I'm ten feet tall_

_Inside_

_Behind these walls_

_Inside_

_I keep it all_

_Inside_

He faltered as he walked past The Leaky Cauldron. He was thirsty. '_But that could lead to a whole set of other problems,_' he thought to himself. But would one drink really hurt? Couldn't he just have one drink to celebrate his feeling good? Surely that would be OK. He pushed the door open, entered, and walked to the bar.

"Hey, Tom. Could I get a Firewhiskey, please?" he asked the barkeep.

"Certainly, Mr. Potter," the old man said. In fact, he'd poured it as soon as he'd seen Harry walk in.

"Hiya, Harry," a voice said from beside him as he sat down at the bar and downed his Firewhiskey. Almost choking as he recognised the voice, he turned and saw who was sitting next to him.

Without taking his eyes off the person in the seat, he signalled to Tom for another drink.

"Well, hello there," he said with a smirk.


	3. Help Me Help Myself

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Harry Potter. If I did, I wouldn't have written that epilogue. That thing crushed my soul. I also still don't have an affiliation with Zinc. Tears for me.**

**Help Me Help Myself**

_In spurts of sobriety_

_High on anxiety_

_Gotten my priorities_

_All messed up_

Harry had been surprised to see Hermione at the bar. As far as he knew, she didn't really drink that much. But she and Ron'd had a fight, and she was trying to drown her sorrows.

"Drinking in the middle of the day, Hermione? What has become of you?" he teased. Hermione snorted.

"Yeah, like you can talk," she said. She raised her glass, and Harry clinked it with his.

"Cheers," they both said in unison, downing their drinks.

_Days like a minute pass_

_Superficial, super-fast_

_Swimming circles in a glass_

_Bowl going nowhere_

_There I go again_

They drank and laughed together. It was like old times. Before they had kids. Things had changed since then. Speaking of which…

"Where're the kids?" Harry asked Hermione. She downed her drink and winced.

"At Molly's," she responded breathlessly. She coughed.

"Lightweight," Harry teased his friend, and she slapped him lightly across his upper arm, causing his drink to spill over the counter.

"Now look what you did!" she exclaimed.

"Me?" Harry asked blankly, signalling to Tom, who brought over a fresh drink and a towel. Harry mopped up the drink.

_Precious and few,_

_The days go by_

_As I seem to choose_

_More wrong than right_

"I don't think it's working, Harry," Hermione mused after the mess was cleaned up… And after another drink.

"What's not working?" Harry asked in confusion.

"Me and Ron. Ron and me. Ron and I," Hermione replied, struggling to string together a grammatically correct sentence. Harry couldn't help but smirk. '_Same old Hermione,_' he thought to himself. Then he realised what she'd said.

"Wait, what?" Hermione downed another half drink.

"Our marriage. It's not working."

_And I'm losing my youth_

_And wasting time_

_Blaming everyone else_

_Oh won't you_

_Help me help myself_

"He's an arse, Harry!" Hermione burst out. She downed the rest of her drink, and Harry downed his. "He's a complete and total arse who only compares about…" she took a sip of a new drink. "Shoes!" Harry sipped his own drink, thinking about what Hermione said. Then he burst out laughing and nearly fell off his chair.

"Only… Compares about… Shoes!" Harry gasped in between laughing. "What does that even _mean_?" Hermione thought for a moment.

"I don't know," she slurred, and Harry shrieked with laughter again.

"Hermione! You're so…. Drunk!" he declared, and Hermione shook her head.

"I'm… I'm not as think as you drunk I am," she said. She realised what she'd said, and they both laughed like hyenas, earning bemused looks from Tom and the other patrons in the bar.

_Entranced by the television_

_No one's above suspicion_

_Stars on a new collision_

_Course for fortune_

Hermione sculled another drink and leaned on Harry's arm.

"Harry, am I pretty?" she asked with a distinct slur.

"You're beautiful," Harry replied with an equally strong slur.

"Ron treats me… Like _shit_!" Hermione exhaled in Harry's ear. "I could… I could… Jump out of a cake! And he wouldn't notice me."

"I'll jump out of a cake for you, Hermione," Harry said, and they both giggled.

_Everything's so complicated_

_So I stay intoxicated_

_Overhung, overrated_

_Get me out of…_

_Here, I go again_

"OK, you two, I'm closing up now," Tom said to the two drunken friends.

"Oh, but I'm not done yet!" Hermione declared. She tugged on Harry's shoulder. "Will you come home with me tonight? I don't get to see you enough anymore. And Ron's gone away, and the kids are at Molly's…" she trailed off. "And I think we have more booze somewhere."

"I'm in," Harry declared. "Will you take us back to Hermione's, Tom?" Tom sighed, but agreed. After all, they saved the wizarding world.

"Come on, I'll take you by side-along Apparition," he said. He hoisted them up. As he pulled Harry up, Harry leaned on his shoulder, unable to support his own weight.

"Tom, am I pretty?" he asked the barkeep, and Hermione shrieked with laughter. Even Tom had to fight to keep a smile off his face. They Apparated back to Hermione and Ron's place, and Tom helped them inside.

"I'm too old for this," he muttered to himself before Apparating away.

_Precious and few,_

_The days go by_

_As I seem to choose_

_More wrong than right_

"Where's the cake you're jumping out of?" Harry slurred, as they stumbled into the kitchen. Hermione started searching through the cupboards.

"Aha!" she said triumphantly, pulling out a bottle of Firewhiskey. Harry squinted at it and tried to focus.

"That's not a cake," he said, and Hermione fell into gales of laughter, opening the bottle and taking a swig straight from it. She passed it to Harry, and he too drank straight from the bottle.

_And I'm losing my youth_

_And wasting time_

_Blaming everyone else_

_Oh won't you_

_Help me help myself_

"I want to leave him!" Hermione declared as she danced on the coffee table. She swung the bottle for emphasis. "He's a jerk! I can do better!" Harry reached up and tried to take the bottle.

"Don't hog the bottle," he muttered. He grabbed onto her as she lost her balance, and managed to snatch the bottle from her. She climbed down from the table and grabbed the bottle back from him after he took a large gulp. She then took a drink, and held the bottle away from him as he tried to grab it again.

"You've had that much, and I've only had this much," he protested, using his hands to illustrate the amounts. She reluctantly gave the bottle back to him.

_So forgive the vanity_

_I'll take a longer look at me_

_If all I get is all I see,_

_Then at least I get something…_

"I'm pretty! I'm desirable! I've got a nice figure!" Hermione declared. "_And _I'm good in the sack! I'm a catch! I could have any guy I wanted!"

"You could, Hermione, and if Ron doesn't see that, then he's a… He's a…" Harry struggled to find the right word to describe Ron.

"He's a Niffler's left buttock!" Hermione supplied, and they fell into giggles again.

_Frustrated beyond belief_

_Drowning in apathy_

_Pity gets a hold of me_

_Just as I surface_

_And down I go again_

_Down I go again_

"I shouldn't have married him, Harry," Hermione said after they calmed down. She now felt miserable. "It was a mistake. And now… Now it's too late for me. I'm getting old…" Harry pulled his friend closer to him.

"You're not old, Hermione," he said. "You're byoooooootiful."

"I'm not," Hermione whined. "I'm plain, and boring, and I have bushy hair."

"You are, Hermione, you're absolutely gorgeous," Harry told her. Hermione sighed and put her head on Harry's shoulder.

"We're grown-ups, now, Harry," she said sadly. "When did that happen?" Harry shook his head.

"Too long ago, and too soon," he responded heavily. Then he brightened. "Now come and dance with me." He stood up and pulled her up before flicking his wand at the radio to turn it on.

_Precious and few,_

_The days go by_

_As I seem to choose_

_More wrong than right_

They danced together, relishing their drunkenness and their time away from their partners. It was always just so easy when it was just the two of them. They loved the fact that their state allowed them to lose their inhibitions and just be. They could forget about their responsibilities, just for a few hours. Then, Harry lost his balance. He grabbed onto Hermione to try and keep himself from falling, but that just resulted in her crashing down on top of him.

_And I'm losing my youth_

_And wasting time_

_Blaming everyone else_

_Oh won't you_

_Help me help myself_

"Owww," Hermione moaned. She pounded her fist on Harry's chest, but not too hard. "You bloody troll!" She glared into his eyes. He stared back into hers. Hermione's glare softened and her eyes flicked down to his lips, before meeting his eyes again. They just stared at each other. Then, her lips parted slowly and she began to lean towards him…

_And down I go again…_

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed that chapter! It's a little bit of a cliffy, but not really- I mean, it's pretty obvious what's going to happen, right?**

**I've already written Chapter 4, but I'm not going to upload it yet. See, I've had over a hundred reads so far, but no reviews!!! It's making me think that maybe you guys just don't like it. Please, leave a review, tell me what you think, and whether I should upload the next chapter or not! If not, well, I've got an idea for another one, a novel instead of a songfic. I'd rather not get that one started until I've finished this one, if I decide to finish it.**


	4. Falling

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or we Harmonians wouldn't need a support group. I don't have any affiliation with Zinc, either.**

**Falling**

_Once upon a time I found_

_Answers lying all around_

_But now it seems they're hidden away_

Harry woke up with a raging hangover and slight confusion as to where he was. His bed didn't have red sheets. He turned to the woman next to him. That _definitely _wasn't his wife. He took in her naked back and her brown, bushy hair, and his stomach lurched. _Hermione_.

_Memories regress I'm sure_

_My intellect's checked at the door_

_Heads up for the holidays_

Memories from the previous night came flooding back. Meeting Hermione in the bar around lunch time, drinking with her for hours, until closing. Asking Tom if he thought Harry was pretty. Coming back to the home Hermione shared with Ron. Dancing with her. Her revelation that she wanted to leave Ron. Then… that kiss.

_Can't you see I'm falling?_

_Forever down_

He remembered kissing her, softly at first, but then with more hunger. Lifting her up, pushing her against the walls, knocking things over… Then removing her shirt, taking her to the bedroom, falling back on the bed…

_I'm wide awake but miles away_

_My heart's still stuck in yesterday_

_The older I get the better I was_

Harry stood up and gathered his clothes, cursing inwardly as he pulled on his jeans and tripped, falling back onto the bed. Thankfully, Hermione didn't wake.

_See I'm thrifty like a millionaire_

_I don't pretend to even care_

_I tip the scales when I weigh up the cost_

He felt such hatred for himself. He'd done a lot of stupid things while drunk, but this, this took the cake. He'd slept with Hermione, his best friend's wife. He'd been the best man at their wedding, for the love of Merlin, and Hermione had been Ginny's maid of honour. How could he have been so stupid?

_Can't you see I'm falling?_

_Forever down_

_Yes you see I'm falling_

_Forever down_

He realised he didn't have his wand, and he scrambled to find it. He found it on the bedside table, but unfortunately, in his haste to grab it, he sent an empty vase crashing to the ground.

_Once again I'm down and out_

_My number's up and ten's the count_

_You think by now that I should know_

This time he had woken Hermione up. She sat up, realised she wasn't wearing any clothes, and pulled the sheets up to cover her chest, blushing. She was refusing to look at him.

"Sorry," Harry said lamely, and repaired the broken vase. Then he exhaled loudly, sitting on the bed next to Hermione.

"Look, Hermione, last night was…" he trailed off, not wanting to say what he was thinking; that last night was mind-blowing. "Last night was a mistake." He took Hermione's chin in his hands and forced her to look at him.

"It was a mistake that won't happen again," he told her softly. "And it was a mistake that never need be mentioned again." Hermione's eyes flickered down to his lips, then back to his eyes. She kissed him again, deeply. Harry responded.

_See I crawl towards the distant light_

_You march me to the greatest height_

_And then you just, you let me go_

_You let me go_

Hermione groaned and clapped her hand to her forehead as she rolled off of Harry.

"We're stupid, despicable, horrible people," she moaned. Harry agreed, but he knew that if he opened his mouth, the first words he said would be "yes, but we were marvellous." He hated the idea of just not mentioning it ever again. He couldn't do it. Not again.

_Can't you see? I'm falling_

_Forever down_

_Yes you see I'm falling_

_Forever down_

How could he tell her how much he adored her? When she was married to his best friend? They'd always been close, always, and she'd always been there for him when no one else had. He had always needed her in his life. And now… He'd ruined it. Again.

"Hermione…" he started, and she looked at him. "I don't want to ruin our friendship, you know?"

_Critics are legless men who lecture in running_

_I don't know why, but I can't stop coming_

_I'm all washed up inside and out_

_I was born with a silver foot in my mouth_

_And everybody knew but me_

_Forever down_

"Then why did you kiss me?" Hermione asked sharply. Harry was taken aback.

"You kissed me back!" he replied. It was partly a protest. Hermione sighed, nodding.

"We weren't thinking," she muttered, her hand on her forehead, eyes closed. She just looked so tired, so frail, so confused, that Harry had to fight himself not to hold her close and tell her he loved her.

_Critics are legless men who lecture in running_

_I don't know why, but I can't stop coming_

"We can't do it again," she murmured as Harry wrapped his arms around her, losing his internal fight. They kissed deeply and tenderly.

"I know," Harry responded softly, kissing her again, on her lips, her cheek, her jaw, her throat…

_I'm all washed up inside and out_

He was weak, he told himself. So very weak. He needed her. He needed her, because he loved her. He couldn't deny it anymore. He had been, for too long. He whispered it to her, and she responded. They were interrupted by an owl tapping at the window. Hermione stood up and opened the window, taking the letter attached to the owl's leg.

'_Hermione,_

_Hope you are doing well. I miss you. Will be home later this week._

_I love you._

_Ron xx_'

Ron. Damn.

_I was born with a silver foot in my mouth_

_And everybody knew but me_

_Forever down_

Both Harry and Hermione remembered what they were doing to the people they loved. Hermione did love Ron. Harry did love Ginny. But their respective relationships didn't feel so right.

"I… I should go," Harry mumbled awkwardly, gathering his clothes as Hermione sank into the bed, her hands covering her face, and her bare shoulders shaking with tears.

It was a dangerous thing they were falling into.

**A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed that chapter! I had so much trouble writing this chapter, it was unbelievable. I praised God and did a little dance when I finished writing it.**

**I would like to thank EssexGal for being my very first reviewer! :-)**** Thank you so much, it really meant a lot to me. I hope this chapter and the following ones don't disappoint.**


	5. More Than Friends

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or 'More Than Friends'. At the moment, all I own is a copy of the books, a cat who may be Satan, and a very unpleasant cold.**

**More Than Friends**

_I think I just realised something_

_Oh, how it changes everything_

They had been trying to avoid each other since that night, and that morning. Of course they'd had to see each other for family functions with the Weasleys, but that was easy enough to deal with, as there were so many other people there. No one even seemed to notice that they were avoiding each other.

_I know that I always can depend_

_On you to be there and to understand_

The only place Harry couldn't avoid Hermione was in his dreams. She plagued them nightly, and Harry was always worried he'd wake up with Hermione's name on his lips. He didn't know how he'd be able to explain that one to Ginny.

He entered The Leaky Cauldron and made his way over to the bar. He noticed a frizzy brown head turning to face him. Hermione. He considered turning around and running for it, but she'd already seen him. Instead he sat down next to her and gratefully took the Firewhiskey Tom had set down in front of him.

_And I suddenly see_

_That you're in my favourite memories and I_

_Suddenly know_

_That you're always at my favourite places to go_

"What are you doing here?" he asked, not really looking at her. He saw her shrug out of the corner of his eye.

"I don't know. I just felt like it, I guess," she said. Harry couldn't help but think about how small wizarding Britain really was. He was petty much guaranteed that he'd run into her in one of his regular haunts.

_So are we more than friends?_

_Less than lovers?_

_I can't say if we're one or the other_

_Is it a sin, if we would wonder how it would be?_

_If only we could decide_

It hadn't been their first time together. They never spoke about it, but it had happened before. A few times, in fact. It was during the war, after Ron had left them. They were comforting each other, and one thing had led to another…

_I hope I don't live to regret it_

_Stepping on ground we've held sacred_

Then Ron had come back, and there was that thing with the locket. Harry had to lie to his friend and tell him that he loved Hermione like a sister. It was a lie. He just knew that Ron needed Hermione, and if something happened to him, Harry, then Hermione at least wouldn't be alone.

_But something I think had to be said_

_How different my life would be_

_Had I not met you_

It had been the right choice, Harry had told himself at the time. He found himself questioning it now, though. He loved Ginny; he really did, but Hermione… Hermione had always been there for him. Ever since first year, after the troll.

Flashes of his friendship with Hermione went through his mind and he couldn't help but smile. Yes, she'd always been there. She'd even been there the first time he went to visit his parents' grave… Yet he was avoiding her now. Or was she avoiding him? Either way, they hadn't seen or spoken to each other since they'd run into each other in The Leaky Cauldron.

_And I suddenly see_

_That you're in my favourite memories and I_

_Suddenly know_

_That you're always at my favourite places to go_

He'd had to pop in to see his son James at Hogwarts; there was an issue whereby he had managed to turn Professor McGonagall's hair bright pink when he was angry at her, and no one had been able to change it back. He had scolded his son, trying to hide his smile as he did so; out of the corner of his eye he could see Minerva nodding vigorously and scowling, her bun a bright pink.

After this, he'd popped into The Hog's Head for a drink. It was a bit safer to drink there now; Abe had started to clean his glasses more thoroughly. He ordered a Firewhiskey and groaned as someone sat next to him.

"Are you stalking me?" he asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Helping Madam Pince catalogue new library books," Hermione responded, ordering a Firewhiskey for herself. "She's getting on a bit, you know. And I'm the only person she trusts to help."

_So are we more than friends?_

_Less than lovers?_

_I can't say if we're one or the other_

"So are we ever going to talk about the fact that we slept together?" Hermione asked. She was so frank about it, Harry spilled half of his drink.

"Bloody hell, Hermione," he hissed. "Keep your voice down, why don't you?" The woman rolled her eyes.

"It's dead in here, Harry," she told him patiently. "Just us and old Abe. Abe," she said, turning to the bartender. "Do you care that Harry and I were stupid enough to betray our friends, our partners, and do dirty things in my marital bed, three times?" Abe looked shocked, but shook his head.

"You'd be surprised what I hear in here," the old wizard replied. "But I don't gossip." Hermione turned back to Harry, satisfied.

"So, are we going to talk or not?"

_Is it a sin, if we would wonder how it would be?_

_If only we could decide_

_To give us a try_

"We were drunk, Hermione," Harry told her. "We were drunk, unhappy in our relationships, and we made a mistake."

"We weren't drunk in the morning," Hermione reminded him. "Nor that time during the War. In fact, most times it's happened we haven't been drunk." Harry was silent, drinking to avoid saying anything.

"Why won't you just admit we have feelings for each other?" Hermione exploded finally. Aberforth pretended to be extremely interested in a bottle of Butterbeer.

_And every time_

_I'm with someone else_

_It's you in them I hope to find_

"I love Ginny," Harry said softly. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Of course you love Ginny, I know you love Ginny, I love Ron, too… Most of the time at least. But I love you too, and I know you love me." Harry kept his eyes on his drink. He couldn't deny it. Sometimes he'd be looking at Ginny and wish she were more like Hermione. He hated himself for thinking it.

"For the love of Merlin, Harry," Hermione said, lowering her voice. "Half the time I'm 'with' Ron, I'm thinking about you." Harry didn't know what to say to that. Thankfully, Hermione saved him from having to say anything. "Abe, if you don't wipe that smirk off your face, I'll do it for you."

_So are we more than friends?_

_Less than lovers?_

_I can't say if we're one or the other_

"It was the right decision," Harry said, as much to himself as to Hermione. "Ron needed you, and if I had have…" he trailed off, but Hermione seemed to know where he was going.

"You insist on being the martyr," Hermione said softly. "You knew there was a chance you'd survive, but you'd rather live and be unhappy than die and have me be alone. Did it ever occur to you that I would have been able to make my own choices?" Harry had nothing to say to this. What could he say?

_Is it a sin, if we would wonder how it would be?_

_If only we could decide_

_To give us a try_

"How would it be, if you'd not made that decision?" Hermione asked softly. "Would we still be together, even after all this time?" Harry didn't have an answer, but right now, in this moment, with Hermione so close to him, her voice so breathy, he'd had given anything to go back in time and make it happen. Then Hermione stood up, finishing her drink.

_More than friends, less than lovers_

_How would it be if we gave this a try?_

_More than friends, less than lovers_

"Well, I'm off," she said briskly. "Thank you, Abe, I would appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this." Abe shrugged.

"Like I said, I don't gossip," he grunted. "Not my business. No point." Hermione nodded and picked up her bag. She turned back to Harry and moved her face towards him.

"We're going to have to be careful," she murmured, before kissing him swiftly and leaving the pub.

_Coz we're more than friends…_

Harry was left alone with Abe in the pub.

"She's an odd duck, that one," Abe mused. Harry nodded dumbly. What had she meant when she'd said that?

What had just happened?

**A/N: Well, there it is, Chapter 5! My longest chapter yet. I do hope you enjoyed it, there was rather a lot of dialogue, I thought. It's mostly a filler chapter, designed to give a bit of background information, but important nonetheless, don't you think? Who else thought there could have been something in DH that JK didn't mention to us? I like to think there was.**

**I've got a start on Chapter 6, I think it will be a lot of dialogue again, but I'm really looking forward to it, it's going to be a fun chapter to read, and there are going to be some very important things happening.**


	6. Sorry

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Zinc. My chances of ever owning either of them are only slightly higher than the odds of Malcolm Turnbull ever becoming the Prime Minister of Australia. Oh! Burn!**

**Sorry**

_Sometimes it's just not worth it_

_Having a point of view_

"You have a problem!"

Harry's eyes flashed angrily as he glared at his wife.

"I'm way beyond caring what you think," he spat at Ginny, as quietly as he could while still conveying his anger. She looked at him, shocked.

"How could you say that?" she whispered, the hurt tinging her voice.

"You know what my problem is, Ginny?" Harry asked. "I've seen horrible things, been through horrible things." Ginny let out a hollow laugh.

_When always you know better_

_Coz of what you've been through_

_In your day_

"Oh, of course," she said sarcastically. "You've been through so much, I know that. But that's not your problem, Harry. Your problem is the way you choose to deal with what you've been through!" Harry made a noise in the back of his throat at this.

"Maybe it's your problem, Ginny," he told her. "You expect me to be The Boy Who Lived, The Chosen One, The One Who Conquered, and all that. You don't seem to realise that I'm just Harry. I'm someone who's seen too much, too young. I apologise for being so weak as to be horrified by my own memories!"

_You see you give everything_

_But it's never enough_

"You expect everything from me, Ginny, and I can't give you any more than I already have," Harry informed his wife. Even as he said it, he knew it wasn't true. He was holding something back from Ginny, something he gave to Hermione. And at that moment, he wished that Ginny were Hermione. She wouldn't be like this, would she?

_Coz nothing I do could ever live up_

_To all that you wanted, all that you hoped_

_From me_

_Well sorry_

"You're so full of it, Harry!" Ginny shouted, no longer caring whether the kids woke up. Either they didn't wake up, or they were too scared to come out. Harry desperately hoped for the former.

"I'm full of it? You're obsessed with who I am, what I've done! You didn't have to go through it! You were safe at Hogwarts!"

_Sometimes your good intentions_

_They raise the bar too high_

"Safe? You think I was safe?" Ginny asked. "You know what we went through there, what we did! You know we led the resistance! How much trouble we were in!"

"Right. Leading a student rebellion, outrunning Death Eaters, same thing," Harry said sarcastically. "I lost count of how many times Hermione and I nearly died! We had little food, little shelter; you were in a nice castle with as much food as you wanted! Don't even try to compare it, Ginny!"

_What you don't seem to realise_

_Is that it's not your time_

_It's mine_

_It's all mine_

"That's not even what we're arguing about, Harry!" Ginny said, as she cast a silencing charm towards the doors of their children. She could now yell as loud as she wanted. "We're arguing about the fact that you're an alcoholic! You come home late most nights, reeking of alcohol, because you've forgotten you're supposed to read a story to our daughter! And she STILL idolises you, you're her entire world!" Harry laughed as he saw what he thought was Ginny's real problem.

_You see you give everything_

_But it's never enough_

"You're jealous," he commented. "You always wanted a little girl to look up to you, you've always wanted to be best friends with your daughter, and you can't handle how much she loves her daddy. That she's a daddy's girl."

"That's got nothing to do with it!" Ginny hissed. "It's your drinking! I can't take you out anywhere anymore, Harry! You get drunk and you embarrass me!"

_Coz nothing I do could ever live up_

_To all that you wanted, all that you hoped_

_From me_

_Well sorry_

"I embarrass you," Harry repeated. "I embarrass you because I'm not perfect. Because I can't always handle the things I've been through."

"It's because of your drinking," Ginny told him.

"I drink to help with the pain, Ginny."

_I give everything_

_But it's never enough_

"Did you think that maybe there are healthier ways to deal with the pain, Harry?" Ginny asked. "Something like therapy?"

Harry snorted at this. He'd been to therapy before, not long after the war finished. It was a wizard's therapy, of course, and it had been the biggest load of shit he'd ever had to sit through. Practising magic that was supposed to be soothing, conjuring Patronuses to make himself think of happy things, rather than the bad things. It was a form of denial, he thought. Just ignore the bad things and make them go away.

_Coz nothing I do could ever live up_

_To all that you wanted_

_All that you hoped from me_

_I give everything_

"You know that didn't work for me," Harry told her scathingly. "Why can't you just accept me the way I am, like—" he stopped suddenly. He'd been about to say "like Hermione does." That would open a can of worms he wasn't ready to open yet. He didn't think he'd ever be ready.

_I give everything but it's never enough_

_Coz nothing I do could ever live up_

_To all that you wanted_

_All that you hoped from me_

"Like?" Ginny prompted. "Like who?"

"Like… a wife should, if she really loved her husband," Harry improvised wildly. He'd thought it was a rather lame attempt, but apparently it worked, because Ginny's face fell, and her eyes filled with tears.

"I do love you Harry," she whispered. "I've always loved you, and I always will. But you have a problem, and you won't admit it. You know you have a problem, deep down, I know you do know that. But I can't do this anymore, Harry. I can't… I can't just pretend that everything's fine. If you can't admit that you have a problem, then I can't do this. I need to protect our children."

Harry stared at his wife, disbelieving.

"You're threatening me?" he asked. "You're saying that if I don't agree with you, you'll leave me."

"It's not a threat, Harry," Ginny sniffled as she wiped her eyes. "Do you think this is easy for me? I've loved you since before I can remember. But I'm scared that one day you're going to hurt the kids, if you don't stop drinking!"

_Well sorry._

Harry couldn't believe that Ginny thought so little of him, that he'd honestly hurt his children, his flesh and blood, when he'd been so mistreated as a child. He opened and closed his mouth, trying to think of something to say. He couldn't.

He just spun on his heel and slammed the door behind him as he left the house, and left Ginny crying inside.

**A/N: Wooot, new chapter! Hope you enjoyed it, I know it's a lot of dialogue, but I don't know how else to write an argument.**

**I may sound conceited and self-absorbed, but I love the way this chapter ended. I think it's simple, but powerful.**

**Also, regarding my disclaimer: Malcolm Turnbull is a Liberal Party politician. I'm a Labor Girl forever. And, Malcolm Turnbull's approval ratings, the last time I saw, were 18%. So it was an easy burn. Of course, in all honesty, I will never own Harry Potter or the Zinc songs.**


	7. Arrows At The Sun

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or Zinc. Also, after the Malcolm Turnbull funny I made in my last disclaimer, my funny-juices seem to be all used up. I apologise.**

**Arrows at the Sun**

_God knows I've tried_

_Compromising everything_

_For the slightest possibility_

_That the stars will align_

"But I don't understand," Lily said, looking into her father's eyes. Her brown eyes, so very like her mother's, were filled with tears.

"I'm just going away for a while, baby girl," Harry said, stroking her hair.

"For work?" Albus demanded, and Harry shook his head.

"When will you be back?" Lily asked. Harry couldn't take it any more. He began crying.

"I don't know," he choked. Lily hugged her dad tight. He hugged her back and kissed the top of her head.

_And everything I ever dreamed_

_Will light up right in front of me_

"I'm going to stay at The Leaky Cauldron for a while," he told the two children when he composed himself. He looked at Albus when he said this; the boy seemed to know what was going on. Lily, however, did not.

"Why?" she demanded, her lip quivering. "Don't you love us anymore?" That one statement broke Harry's heart.

"Of course I do, sweetie," he assured her. "You, and your brothers, and your mother, mean the world to me. But mummy and I… We just need to take some time. We've been fighting a lot."

"Are you breaking up?" Albus asked.

"No, we're not," Harry replied. "We just want to take some time apart. I promise you both, we'll sort it out."

_But that day seems so far away_

Two weeks had passed since Harry had decided to stay at The Leaky Cauldron. Ginny was still refusing to see him, though Hermione had been kind enough to pick up Al and Lily so he could spend time with his kids. Al was coping better than he expected, Lily, however, was not.

"You're her hero, Harry," Hermione said to him, sitting cross-legged on his bed in The Leaky Cauldron, looking over a proposal for the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. She pursed her lips at the proposal, murmured "No," and put a large red cross through the entire thing. "She hates the idea of your not being with her mummy. She blames herself." Harry looked at her.

"How do you know?" he asked. "Did she talk to you?"

"No," Hermione answered. "But it's how my cousin Alison felt when her parents split up."

_Coz I want, I want, I want it so much_

_I taste it on my tongue_

_Although I know it's just like shooting_

_Arrows at the sun_

"We haven't split up, we're just taking some time to sort things out," Harry said. Hermione snorted.

"Do you even want to sort things out?" she asked, looking straight at him.

"Of course!" Harry declared. Hermione snorted again and moved towards him, pressing her lips to his ear.

"Then why am I sitting on your bed, in my knickers?" she asked. She leant back against the pillows. Harry glared at her.

"That's not fair."

_I want, I want, I want it so bad_

_I take it as it comes_

_Although I know it's just like shooting_

_Arrows at the sun_

He did want to work things out with Ginny; he knew that. It really wasn't fair of Hermione to bring up their relationship. It had nothing to do with his relationship with Ginny, after all. Well, it did- but at the same time, it was entirely separate. He and Hermione were discreet, after all.

_I've lost so much_

_Chasing the intangible_

_Yet I remain insatiable_

Finally.

"What do you want, Harry?" Ginny asked as she opened the door, her hand on her hip.

"I was hoping you'd want to talk," Harry said as he pushed his way into the house. "Where are the kids?"  
"They went to visit my parents." They sat opposite each other on the couches in the living room.

"I miss you," Harry blurted out. Ginny didn't say anything for a long while.

"Are you ready to admit you have a problem?"

_It never stops_

_It's dangling right in front of me_

_A million miles beyond my reach_

The meeting had gone downhill from there. They'd argued, yelled, she'd thrown things, he'd ducked and Apparated back to Diagon Alley. He'd had dinner with Hermione- as a friend; Ron would have joined them except he was angry at Harry for upsetting Ginny. Ginny was, after all, Ron's sister.

"Have you even considered giving up drinking?" Hermione asked. Harry looked at his best friend as though scandalized.

"You agree with her?" he asked. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"You love her, don't you? You'd do almost anything to make her happy. But you won't do this. Maybe because you can't? Maybe because you have a problem?" Harry noticed the inflection that made it a question.

"OK, so I do drink a bit," Harry admitted. "How does that translate into a problem? It takes the pain away, Hermione. Don't I deserve that after what I've been through? You of all people should understand. You were there too."

_As phone lines and road signs_

_Go by_

What had started off as dinner with his best friend ended as a rendezvous with his mistress- not that either of them would refer to her in such a term.

"See?" Harry asked as Hermione slipped her clothes back on. "I don't have a drinking problem. We decided to have this relationship while we were drunk, and wasn't that a brilliant idea?" Hermione rolled her eyes as she ran her hands through her hair and turned to him.

"Of course it's a good idea Harry," she agreed. "So long as we can get past the guilt of cheating on our spouses with their best friends, and providing that neither of our spouses find out about it." Harry hadn't thought of it that way.

"But don't we deserve a little happiness?" Harry murmured as he slipped his arms around her. "After all we've done?" With that he kissed her deeply.

_I wait for this day to subside_

_But it never dies_

Not that he wasn't happy with Ginny. He was happy with her. He just wasn't happy in the same way he was with Hermione. Even so, he found himself on their doorstep, knocking on the door.

"Ginny—" The door was slammed in his face. He knew she was still standing there, though; he hadn't heard her footsteps.

"Ginny, I'm sick of this. It was a stupid idea for me to leave. I miss you."

_I want, I want, I want it so much_

_I taste it on my tongue_

_Although I know it's just like shooting_

_Arrows at the sun_

The door was opened again.

"Are you ready to admit you have a problem?" Ginny asked him. "You do some really stupid things when you're drunk, Harry." Harry considered this.

"Well, I was sober when I decided to leave, so… No. I don't have a problem. I make stupider decisions when I'm sober."

The door was slammed in his face again, and this time he heard Ginny's footsteps as she walked away.

_I want, I want, I want it so bad_

_I take it as it comes_

_Although I know it's just like shooting_

_Arrows at the sun_

"You're an idiot, Harry."

Harry looked at her, stunned. Where had that come from?

"Excuse me?" he asked blankly.

"You're telling her you want her back, but you won't do the one little thing she asks of you. Not only that, but after every failed encounter with her, you run to me."

_But that day seems so far away_

"Are you ready to take me back yet?"

"Are you ready to stop drinking?"

"No."

"Then no."

_Coz I want, I want, I want it so much_

_I taste it on my tongue_

_Although I know it's just like shooting_

_Arrows at the sun_

And so it went on. He would drop by every day and ask for her to take him back. She never would. Hermione was getting sick of it. She herself had stopped drinking, though her drinking was rarely a problem, in the hopes that Harry would follow her lead. It seemed to have some effect, at least.

_I want, I want, I want it so bad_

_I take it as it comes_

_Although I know it's just like shooting_

_Arrows at the sun_

"Ginny."

"Harry. If you keep it up, I'm going to get the MLE to stop you from coming here, and I swear, I _will _divorce you." Ginny rested against the door frame, her hand on her hip. Harry looked at her.

"I don't want that, Ginny." He sounded so morose that Ginny felt her resolve weakening a little.

"Neither do I, Harry," she told him.

"I just… I want to take it slow. I understand if you don't want me to come home yet. But I'm going to cut down on my drinking."

"That's a start," Ginny said softly. She looked into his eyes, as if checking to see if he was lying. When she saw that he wasn't, she smiled gently.

"I'll drop off the kids to spend some time with you on Saturday. Florean Fortescue's, eleven o'clock."

"Thank you, Ginny," Harry said. Ginny leant forwards and kissed him on the cheek before shutting the door, leaving Harry smiling at this new development.

She said that _she _would drop off the kids.

**A/N: Wow. And I thought I had difficulty writing some of the other chapters! This was by far the hardest chapter to write so far. I'm sorry if it seems a bit repetitive, but past experiences with my substance-abusing ex boyfriend were quite similar to this, especially the denial. **

**I hope you enjoy reading this chapter more than I enjoyed writing it, and if not, well, I promise the next chapter will be better!**


	8. Fantastic

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, I'd be rich. If I had any affiliation with Zinc, Mark O'Shea wouldn't be married. Unless it was to ME!**

**Fantastic**

_I see the world running in circles_

_Everybody's chasing everyone else_

_I can only take so many directions_

_Til I lose myself_

"Daddy!" Lily screamed as she ran to Harry. His face broke out in a huge smile and he wrapped her in his arms, kissing the top of her head.

"There's my girl," he said, squeezing her and putting her down on the ground to hug Albus, who had walked up at a slower pace.

"Hey, Dad," Albus said into Harry's shoulder.

"Hey, kiddo," Harry responded with a smile. He looked past Albus and saw Ginny standing there.

_Another day, and still I'm surrounded_

_By so many things I don't understand_

_And when it gets to where I've taken as much as I can_

_I lift my head from my hands and_

"Harry," his wife said with a small smile. "How are you? Have you been drinking?"

"Plenty," Harry said cheerfully. Ginny looked annoyed, so he clarified. "You know, juice, milk, water, coffee. Gotta keep your liquids up, you know." He picked up his daughter again. "Would you like to join us for ice cream, Gin?" Ginny hesitated and was about to say no until she saw the hopeful looks on her children's face—and on Harry's.

"OK," she said finally.

_There you are, get me every time_

_Hit me like a high_

_Never let me down_

As they ate their ice cream, Harry's eyes hardly ever left the two children. Especially Lily. He loved James and Albus, of course, more than life itself. But Lily, Lily was simply amazing. He couldn't help smiling as she ate her ice cream, making such a mess, chocolate sauce not around her mouth, but on her cheeks.

Ginny had also noticed.

"Honestly, Lily, how do you manage to do that?" she asked, wiping her daughter's cheeks with a napkin.

"Pure talent," Harry said with a wink at his daughter.

_There you go, taking all the chances_

_Making sense of madness_

_Turning it all around_

"How's work, Harry?" Ginny asked. She was watching Al and Lily, and for the most part had been avoiding Harry's eyes.

"Work's good. Quiet."

"That's a good sign, I suppose," Ginny said. She then proceeded to wipe Albus's face.

"Mum!" he scowled. "I can do it myself!" Lily giggled at this.

_I can't get past it_

_You're so fantastic_

Harry smiled fondly at his two youngest children, and his wife. He had a feeling that everything was going to be OK, eventually. '_I should have stopped drinking so much a long time ago_,' he thought to himself. He didn't need to drink to feel better—spending this time with his kids and wife, he'd not felt so good in years.

_It's never easy hanging onto that moment_

_When everybody's trying to tear it away_

Harry noticed that Lily was eating her ice cream a lot slower than everyone else.

"What's wrong, princess?" he asked. "Don't you like it?"

"I do," Lily replied. "But when we've finished, we have to go home. And I want us to spend more time together." Harry was heartbroken by this, and a quick glance towards Ginny showed that she felt the same.  
"Eat your ice cream, Lily, it'll melt," she said softly. "We'll spend some more time together. We'll go to the park, yeah?"

_So I succumb until I'm numb_

_From these nowhere days_

_Shining right through the grey and_

This idea made Harry ecstatic. He would have kissed Ginny if they were up to that stage in rebuilding their relationship, but they weren't. Instead, he just squeezed her hand, looked into her eyes and mouthed 'thank you'. She smiled warmly at him.

'You're welcome,' she mouthed back.

_There you are, get me every time_

_Hit me like a high_

_Never let me down_

"Daddy! Daddy, watch me!" Lily shouted to Harry. Harry waved to acknowledge that he was watching, and saw her make her way across the magical monkey-bars.

"Well done, Lily!" he called out to her. She ran to him and engulfed him in a huge hug.

"I love you, Daddy," she said. Harry hugged her back tightly.

"I love you too, princess," he told her, and kissed the top of her head. Lily then ran to the slide, and Harry sat down on a bench.

_There you go, taking all the chances_

_Making sense of madness_

_Turning it all around_

Albus came over and sat next to him, watching as Ginny chased Lily around the playground.

"Hey, Dad," he said.

"Hey, Al. What's wrong?"  
"Nothing," Albus replied. They were silent for a moment. "We all miss you, you know."

"I miss you guys, too," Harry replied, ruffling Al's hair.

"Are you going to come home soon?" Albus asked. Harry smiled sadly.

"I hope so, son, but it's really up to your mother," he told the boy. Albus then turned, hugged his father tightly, and didn't let go. Harry hugged back. Lily saw this, and ran over to be hugged as well. He hugged his two youngest children and fought the urge to cry.

_I can't get past it_

_You're so fantastic_

A throat cleared, and Harry looked up to see Ginny. She had an odd look on her face.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "We should be getting home."

That was the expression on her face. She looked sorry. Harry released the children from his arms. Lily looked like she was going to cry.

"I want to stay with Daddy," she said in a small voice. Ginny crouched down next to her daughter and spoke to her, though she was looking Harry straight in the eye as she spoke.

"We're going to see Daddy again tomorrow, OK? He's going to come over for dinner." At this, Harry's face broke out into a smile that rivalled Lily's. Lily turned back to Harry and hugged him tightly.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Daddy," she said. "I love you."

"I love you too, princess," Harry replied. He then hugged his son. "See you tomorrow, Al."

"Love you, Dad," Albus said. Harry told his son he loved him too, and then turned to Ginny. His expression was incredibly easy to read. His eyes were practically screaming 'Are we OK?'

"We're getting there," Ginny told him, and kissed him on the cheek. She turned around and walked away with Albus and Lily.

Harry smiled. "We're getting there."

_There you are, get me every time_

_Hit me like a high_

_Make it all worthwhile_

**A/N: Hey, guys, sorry it took a while! I've been studying for exams, and it was my birthday on Saturday. I got lots of money and I bought myself a DSi… So I've been a bit distracted. Sorry!**

**Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and give me a belated present by reviewing!**


	9. Lost

**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, we'd still be waiting for the third book, because I'm no good with deadlines!**

**Lost**

_Wallowing in indecision_

_Complacency has blurred my vision_

_I can't see the wood for the trees_

Harry stood in front of the cupboard, leaning against one of the doors as he peered into its depths. He selected a bottle and pulled it out.

"Aha!" he declared, and turned around to face Hermione with a grin on his face.

"Chardonnay?" she asked doubtfully. "I thought you'd quit?"

"Ahh, my exact words were that I'd try to cut down," Harry corrected her. "And anyway, that was before Ginny and I had a fight." Hermione rolled her eyes.

"If you keep hitting the bottle whenever you fight, you'll never sort things out. Pour me a glass then." The dark haired man obliged, and they clinked their glasses.

"Cheers."

_Gradually I'm taking over_

_Like a weed among the roses_

_I'm not what you came to see_

"So what did you fight about?" Hermione asked. Harry shrugged.

"She made the same mistake you did about what I said I'd do," he replied. "She didn't take it nearly so well."

"Harry!" Hermione admonished her friend and lover. "You were doing so well! After that dinner you all had last week, I thought you'd be moved back in by now.

_But now I need to know just_

_Where to go because_

"I'm just sick of it all, you know?" Harry said. "I'm sick of the fighting, I'm sick of trying to be perfect for her."

"She doesn't expect you to be perfect, Harry," Hermione said as she sipped her drink.

"No, maybe not," Harry agreed. "But she expects me to be something I'm not. You… You just accept me as I am." Hermione caressed his cheek with a smile.

"We've been friends for years, Harry," she told him. "I've seen you at your best, and at your worst."

_I found that I'm lost_

_All I thought real never was_

"It's been crazy, hasn't it?" Harry asked, taking another swig of his Chardonnay. "I don't know how we survived it." Hermione nodded but remained silent as she too sipped her drink.

"We were the lucky ones," she said quietly.

_I'm lost_

_In my private Holocaust_

_I'm lost_

Two days later and not much had changed. Ginny was refusing to speak to Harry, and Harry was taking solace in Hermione.

"We had a fight today," Hermione said as she sipped her Butterbeer—they were off the grog today.

"What about?" Harry asked.

"You." Harry snorted. "And how you're treating Ginny."

"I'm not doing—"

"Not my words, Harry. He just thinks that our loyalty should be to Ginny, being that, you know, she's his sister," Hermione explained.

"And what did you say?"

"That you were my best friend for years before Ginny was my sister-in-law. That you're trying. All that jazz."

_Magazine on coffee table_

_Telling me how I'm unable_

_To be what you really need_

She looked around his messy room.

"I can't believe Tom lets you stay here, when you leave such a mess," she scoffed. Harry shrugged.

"Money's money, I reckon." There was a long pause during which Hermione rested her head on Harry's stomach.

_So I stumble in confusion_

_I turn the page to find solutions_

_To help me be a better man_

"Can we keep this up, Harry?" the sudden question shocked him out of his reverie.

"Keep what up?" he asked, stroking her brown hair.

"This. Us. Doesn't the guilt ever get to you?"

He had to think about it. Did he feel guilty? Being with Hermione was something that made him feel good. But Ginny… Problems or not, she was still his wife. And Ron, his best mate… But he didn't. Not really.

She obviously thought he wasn't going to answer, because she stood up, straightening out her clothes and running her hands through her hair.

"I'm off," she said. "Have to pick up the kids, cook dinner, be a mum." She leaned down and kissed him softly.

"Hermione, I…"

"I'll see you later, Harry," she promised him as she kissed him again. "Please, be good."

_And now I need to know just_

_Where to go because_

The fact that Harry didn't feel guilty over what he was doing, oddly enough, made him feel guilty. And that, in turn, made him drink. And drink. And drink some more.

_I found that I'm lost_

_All I thought real never was_

_I'm lost_

_In my private Holocaust_

_I'm lost_

"I thought I'd find you here."

Harry looked up through bleary eyes to see Hermione, a book bag on her shoulders, hands on hips, looking slightly irritated. He raised his glass to her, almost like a toast.

"Of course you'd find me here," he slurred, and he waved his glass around the Leaky Cauldron. "I live here, don't I?"

"I meant at the bar, nursing a drink, you berk."

He grinned at her.

"Ooh, yes. Hermione, you tell me. Are we playing master/slave tonight?"

"This is not a joke, you stupid, alcoholic, brain-dead plonker! I'm trying to talk some sense into you!"

_Mesmerised by all the madness_

_Believing well known liars I guess_

_Because they tell me_

_What I like_

_What I want_

_What I need to hear_

"Hermione, Merlin, I…"

"No, you listen to me, Harry Potter. Everyone is sick of this 'poor me' rubbish. Even I'm getting there. Yes the war was horrible for you, get over it! It was horrible for all of us! We all lost people, in case you've forgotten. You're a grown-up now; you can't just keep sulking like this. Tom, give me a glass of water. Now, please."

Harry had been truly fascinated by this rant, and her sudden change of topic confused him. Until she poured the glass of water on his head, that is. He spluttered.

"Damn it, Hermione!"

"I won't apologise, you needed that desperately. Just be glad I went with my idea, Ron's was a lot more painful."

"I don't understand what's going on. Suddenly you're all trying to fix me again?"

_I got to know just_

_Where to go because_

Hermione's face softened ever-so-slightly.

"It's Lily's birthday this weekend, Harry," she told him. The shock of having forgotten made his stomach plummet straight to the ground and he clasped his hands to his face. Hermione put her hand on his shoulder.

"It's OK, Harry. Look, we're having a party on Saturday night. We're all going to be there. Please, you can't miss it."

_I found that I'm lost_

_All I thought real never was_

_I'm lost_

_In my private Holocaust_

"Ginny won't want me there."

"Please, Harry, it's her daughter's birthday, she's not that petty. She's the one who sent me."

Harry was silent.

"You need to be there, Harry, please," Hermione said softly. Harry said nothing, just nodded.

"I'm sorry I got so angry, said those things, but you needed to hear them. Harry, you can't drink, you have to be sober on Saturday." Harry nodded again.

"I know."

"For Lily, Harry, if for no one else, and for James and Al. They can't see you like that."

"I know, Hermione, just… I know." Once again he clasped his hands to his face. Hermione squeezed his shoulder and gave him a kiss on the top of his head.

"We'll see you on Saturday, then."

As soon as Hermione had left, Harry climbed up the stairs to his room. He shut the door, sat on the bed and looked at the photo of his family on the table. Then he buried his head in his hands, and cried.

_I'm lost_

**AN: I am so, so sorry for how long this has taken! I dropped out of uni, my dad got remarried, his mother-in-law got cancer, my cousin got cancer, my great-grandmother got cancer, we took in a second cat, and I had crazy writers' block. There's only three more chapters to go, and providing our landlords don't want to sell (which considering they're "re-financing" is a real possibility), they shouldn't take anywhere near as long as this. It's a horrible chapter, I know, I just couldn't get it right. The next one will be better. If I have any readers out there, please review! I know I don't have the right to ask, but please do!**


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